


Depth

by kahlen369



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Animal Transformation, Comedy, Crack, Day At The Beach, Dirty Jokes, Drowning, Established Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Established Relationship, F/F, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Hentai References, Inner Dialogue, Jokes About Tentacle Sex, Octopi & Squid, POV Emma Swan, Ridiculous, Snow has the Worst Timing, Witch Curses, petty revenge, possible tw, read the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25762471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kahlen369/pseuds/kahlen369
Summary: In revenge for a prank gone wrong, Regina curses Emma into an octopus. Because, yes, she is indeed that overdramatic. Needless to say, Emma is not pleased, as she wonders, not for the first time, how her life had gotten to thisridiculouspoint.Throw in Snow White's signature terrible timing, a “family fun day” at the beach, said family conspiring to throw her back into the ocean (because Regina is a dirty liar who lies)---and it’s just chaos all around, with Emma being the poor unfortunate soul forced to be at the center of it all.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 15
Kudos: 82
Collections: Swan Queen Supernova V: Forever Starstruck





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [junetree74](https://archiveofourown.org/users/junetree74/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Depths of You [Fanart, Protostar]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26225926) by [junetree74](https://archiveofourown.org/users/junetree74/pseuds/junetree74). 



> The rating is for some dirty jokes/references to porn/hentai, and a scene where Emma and Regina _nearly_ engage in some tentacle sex, lol. None of it is too explicit tho, so I didn't up the rating to M.

_How had it ended up like this?_

In all honesty, after so many years of living in Storybrooke and all the chaos involved, Emma was getting a bit too used to getting cursed. Magical shenanigans were sort of par for the course at this point. It was pretty hard to truly shock her nowadays. 

She was a far cry from the fresh-faced stranger who refused to believe fairy tales could actually be real. Present Emma had faced about a bazillion different curses, travelled to literal Fairy Tale Land, and learned how to wield the magic that had apparently been inside her all along (sorry, guess you did have a fucking point then, Ingrid). 

So, basically, Emma Swan had been around the block by now. Like a war veteran or a jaded old cop, she had basically seen it all. _New Disney villain loose?_ Eh, time for another town meeting she supposed. _Magical mishap?_ Ugh, time to go down to the Vault for research. They had actual processes now. Like, paperwork worthy ones she had to fill out because she’d been suckered into being the sheriff of this crazy town. 

Yeah, that part wasn’t so great. Emma _hated_ paperwork. She hated it with the kind of fervor she probably should’ve reserved for the actual villains who were trying to destroy the town and everyone she loved in it. But, well, paperwork was truly a different level of evil. 

So, basically, this wasn’t at all Emma’s fault. No matter _what_ Regina said! She was not the one to blame. In fact, all the blame lied distinctly at Regina’s feet, because she was the one who cast this crazy curse on her! 

_Seriously._

Emma Swan had been around the block, as established, so it took a lot to get a reaction out of her at this point. 

But, this? _This_ was definitely Scream worthy with a capital S. This was “first time realizing magic was real levels of panic”, frankly, but even more _ridiculous_. 

Emma wondered, not for the first time, why life in Storybrooke always seemed so _ridiculous_. She supposed that was what happened when your town was populated by Disney characters, many of which possessed magical power that let them do whatever they wanted.

Case in point, one mostly reformed Evil Queen, who was definitely putting the “evil” back into her name with this latest stunt. 

Look, Emma was one of Regina’s staunchest supporters, and she was the first to defend her against a town determined to keep portraying her as a villain despite everything she’d done to change. 

There was a reason the Saviour had fallen in love with and married the Evil Queen, and it wasn’t _just_ because they already shared a kid long before they were able to share a conversation without wanting to kill each other. 

Underneath it all, Regina Mills was one of the good ones, okay. Unfortunately, while she was now firmly on the side of not killing innocents in the name of bloody vengeance, she still had a serious tendency to overreact and use the most dramatic means of getting even whenever she was slighted. 

Like right now. Emma could admit, under duress, that perhaps her little prank on Regina had gone a bit too far, and she was genuinely sorry about the fact that she’d ended up ruining a bunch of Regina’s paperwork during the attempt to get rid of her own. But she was already making up for it by filing her own paperwork in triplicate! _Triplicate!_ That was literally three times the amount of work, and already way more punishment than Emma deserved, in her opinion. 

So, this “cute little curse”, as Regina was calling it, was _indefensible_. Waterlogged papers were not an excuse for this. This was just—truly _cruel_ and _unusual_ punishment indeed. 

“I hate you so much right now.” She told the other woman seriously.

Unfortunately, given that she was currently an octopus, the words just sounded like… well, _nothing_. 

Little known fact about octopuses: they don’t have vocal chords, so they can’t speak. 

Yeah, Emma hadn’t known that before this very moment. But she suspected Regina had. Considering how often Regina complained about Emma’s motor mouth and distinct ability to say a lot about nothing at all, the blonde was beginning to think her wife had chosen to curse her as an octopus for a very specific reason.

And it was not the kind involving creepy hentai involving tentacles that Emma stumbled into by accident. 

In revenge, Emma may or may not have seriously attempted to recreate the creepy hentai scenario with her own tentacles. Moving too fast for the woman to react, Emma suddenly launched herself from the floor and right onto Regina’s waiting body. 

The startled gasp from Regina’s sweet red mouth when Emma managed to wrap a tentacle leg (or was it arm?) around her bare skin was _almost_ satisfying enough to make this ridiculous curse worth taking. 

“Emma!” Regina exclaimed furiously, quickly attempting to dislodge the Emma octopus that was currently attaching its sticky tentacles all over her body. 

The movement made her body sway dangerously in the air, as Regina furiously waved her hands while trying to fling her off, but Emma didn’t feel any dizziness at all. Maybe being an octopus had some benefits after all?

Regina was less pleased by this development, and she gritted her teeth, swearing furiously, as Emma tightened her tentacles around her arms, “Fuck—"

 _Language_ , Emma cheekily reprimanded. Not that any sound even came out, making her pout—which also proved to have no discernible difference, as her octopus face was completely expressionless regardless of how she felt. 

Right. This sucked, Emma thought. Pun completely intended. A fact which no one could appreciate, because no one could understand her since she was stuck as a freaking octopus! 

_Change me back already, damnit!_ Emma demanded in frustration. Though her words remained stuck only in her thoughts, the intent was obvious anyway. 

Regina seemed determined to ignore it though, far more focused on trying to get away from the octopus equally determined to stick to her. For the sake of her reputation, it was a good thing they were alone in the privacy of the Mills Mansion, and that there was no one else around them right now. 

The current picture they painted, as Regina flailed around trying to desperately remove a clingy octopus from her torso, was one of comical cartoon slapstick comedy. Or, creepy hentai film. It really depended on where exactly Emma’s tentacles were heading. 

Feeling quite vengeful herself, Emma was rather determined to bring it to that point. Unfortunately, she was discovering that it was rather hard to remove clothing with tentacles for hands. Why, today of all days, had Regina chosen not to wear a dress? _Ugh_. It would’ve been much easier to simply slide a tentacle up a skirt. 

Alas, she was going to have to work on the truly impossible challenge of unbuttoning pants with only her bare tentacles. _Fuck_. Maybe she could just try to slide a tentacle in through the slight gap?

“Damnit, Emma, let go!” Regina demanded, utterly exasperated. “I don’t actually want to hurt you, but if you don’t let go right now—“ She lit up a fireball with one hand, leaving the unspoken threat crystal clear. 

Emma was not at all deterred from her task though. Mostly because she knew that even on the off chance Regina went through with her threat, she’d heal her in the next second too, before any burns got too bad. 

In the end, Regina seemed to have come up with a different, far less violent, solution to her predicament. Vanishing in a cloud of purple smoke, she appeared on the other end of the hallway, while Emma the Clingy Octopus dropped in a pile of tentacles on the ground. 

“Now, stay there, like a good octopus,” she told her sternly, but the malevolent glint in her eyes was all Evil Queen and all utterly annoying. 

Needless to say, Emma did not stay there like a good octopus. Instead, she quickly made her way over to Regina as fast as she could with her new unsteady tentacle legs—-which was not very fast at all, she discovered.

Feeling distinctly like a newborn fawn learning how to walk, only she was actually an octopus learning how to… crawl, on the hardwood floor, Emma was basically a clumsy mess.

“Aww, look at how cute you are,” Regina cooed, as she shamelessly took pictures with her phone. Emma was pretty sure she was filming this too, _bitch_. Truly an Evil Queen worthy of her name. “Hmm, you know, maybe I’ll keep you like this. You’re much cuter and less chatty like this, after all.”

The teasing comment was probably not serious. But Emma felt insulted anyway. 

Emma growled, and renewed her efforts to reach her traitorous girlfriend with enthusiasm. The thought of revenge seemed to have an exponentially positive effect on her coordination, because suddenly, she was moving much, _much_ faster. Her tentacles were proving to be surprisingly effective means of transporting one’s self, once you got used to it.

Before Regina could get used to this new, rather alarming pace, Emma was far too close to her. In an instant, she managed to glomp onto Regina again, the force of her sudden attack, bringing the woman falling to the ground. 

“ _Aaaaaahhhhhh!!_ ”

Her resulting scream was loud enough to wake the dead, and probably would’ve deafened Emma if an octopus had any ears to hear—which, it didn’t. So, Emma was perfectly safe from sonic attacks and free to continue wrapping her tentacles around her flailing target. 

The human-turned-octopus was suddenly quite thankful for her multiple limbs, as it allowed her to wrap a tentacle around Regina’s wrists to keep her in place, while another shoved itself into her mouth to muffle her screaming and any more protests. _Ha, take that!_ Emma thought, feeling petty vengeance for her own inability to speak. 

This time, she wasted no time in shoving yet another of her tentacles right down Regina’s perfectly tailored pants. It was a very tight and painful fit at first, but her tentacles were soon squeezed into the small gap, tearing part of the fabric and sending buttons flying off in the process. Soon, she was working on slipping into the waistband of her lacy panties next. 

Meanwhile still another tentacle was winding its way upwards instead, up Regina’s shirt and towards her breasts, which were unfortunately locked in the rather complex prison that was her bra. It was truly a challenge, but one Emma was up to defeating. 

Regina was squirming around, too overwhelmed and stunned to even think about casting magic to get herself out of her new, all too vulnerable, position. If she was being completely honest with herself, she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to, anyway. Certainly, once a slimy tentacle had worked its way into her panties, it quickly discovered that it wasn’t the only thing _wet_ here. 

Indeed, she painted quite a _ridiculous_ yet _erotic_ picture at the moment, writhing on the hardwood floors while an octopus pinned her in place. Just as Emma and Regina were about to live out every tentacle hentai fantasy out there, they were quite rudely interrupted. 

Proving that she truly was the bane of the Evil Queen’s existence, it was exactly at this point that the front door swung open to reveal who else but Snow White, in all her eternal busybody glory.

“ _Regina?!”_ Her stunned, scandalized screech was loud enough to make her precious birds fly away from her. In fact, the scream coming from her throat right now should definitely be classified as a lethal weapon, she thought. Even Emma’s nonexistent eardrums were in pain from it. Somehow. It was _that_ overpowered. 

_Mom?!_ Emma cried out, to absolutely no one’s notice. She was utterly stunned by her mother’s signature terrible—or perfect, depending on how you looked at it—timing. _What the fuck are you doing here!?_ She asked, despite knowing perfectly well no one could hear her. It was a habit, at this point. 

Regina clearly had similar questions, but unfortunately, the tentacle still in her throat made the endeavor rather difficult. A part of Emma realized she should probably remove it now, but her brain was still busy wrapping itself around what was currently happening. 

It was a truly _ridiculous_ scenario. Not for the first time, Emma wondered at where her life had led her. Sure, she had the family she’d always yearned for as a lonely lost girl, but was it _really_ worth it? Worth _this?_

She couldn’t help but think of how much easier, simpler, her life in Boston was before a precocious ten-year-old had marched right into it and dragged her kicking and screaming into this sordid tapestry of a family tree. 

Honestly, if she thought too hard about it, her brain would probably explode. After all, the undeniable fact was that her current situation could also be very accurately described as: 

_Snow White catches her former step-mother and nemesis, the Evil Queen, engaged in a lewd embrace with an octopus that was actually her magically transformed daughter. Oh, and by the way, said ex-stepmother and nemesis was also the daughter’s_ wife _now. Just to make it even more complicated._

It was all so _ridiculous_. Emma had to be some kind of prank show, honestly. One that somehow lasted years, and had incredibly realistic VR graphics that made her think she was somehow currently transformed into an octopus. That explanation was somehow _less_ ridiculous than reality as she knew it. At this point, it was the only explanation that wouldn’t end with her curling into a ball and giving up in the face of what her life had become. 

_How had it ended up like this?_

Emma Swan had thought that she was used to Storybrooke craziness by now. But today was proving to be too much even for her standards of crazy. Of course, none of this was helped by the fact that, somehow, her mother was _still_ screaming. Jesus Christ, the woman had some serious lung strength. How had she not stopped for air even once?

At some point during this unfolding disaster, Regina seemed to have regained some of her senses and remembered that she had, you know, _magic_. So, once again, she poofed herself out of Emma’s tentacled embrace to reappear unmolested a few feet away. 

Emma was disappointed by this, but perked up when Regina also used her magic to take away Snow White’s voice, and blissful, blessed silence returned. She would’ve let out a happy sigh, but an octopus’ mouth wasn’t really built for that. 

Snow was less pleased by this development, waving her arms indignantly around her. _Give me back my voice, Regina!_ She mouthed. Badly. Emma was mostly just guessing at the meaning, to be honest. It wasn’t hard to assume what her mother was likely saying. 

Rolling her eyes, Regina said pointedly, “Snow, I’ll give you your voice back, _if_ you promise not to scream everyone’s head off.”

At this, Snow nodded so quickly, it was a wonder she didn’t get whiplash. She made the universal motions of promise—crossing her heart and hoping to die too. Despite her misgivings, Regina was true to her word and returned Snow’s voice again, asking in the process. “What are you doing here, Snow?”

“Henry’s plans with his friends fell through. So, I was dropping by to ask if you wanted to have a family day instead, since you weren’t answering your phone.” Snow explained, looking much calmer now, sounding so normal, you’d almost be fooled into thinking the last ten minutes hadn’t happened. 

But the way her eyes kept going to Emma, the octopus who was wrapped very intimately around Regina’s body not a minute ago, betrayed her. Clearly, she was burning with curiosity and full of questions about it. 

Sighing with the resignation that came with knowing Snow for more than a decade, Regina waved her hand. “Just say what you want to say already, Snow.”

As usual, Snow White seemed to have come to her own conclusions about what she’d seen. Blushing bright as a tomato, she somehow managed to look perfectly disapproving yet strangely aroused all at once. It was _not_ a pleasant sight, especially involving one’s mother, Emma thought, feeling her brain go melty as a popsicle in the summer. 

“Regina… I understand that you might have some… _adventurous_ tastes in the bedroom, but honestly—it’s the middle of the day! Have _some_ restraint,” Snow admonished, every inch a school teacher scolding a wayward child.

... _seriously? Was this really, truly happening right now?_

For the third time in less than an hour, Emma wondered how her life had come to this. It was a record, honestly. The last time her brain had felt this broken, she’d just found out Snow White and Prince Charming were legitimately her birth parents somehow and gotten shoved off to literal Fairy Tale Land through a magic _hat_. 

“And really, I don’t want to know what you two get up to in the bedroom,” Her eyes were shining with that familiar glint of righteousness, as she lectured, “But I hope you told Emma about this, because even if it’s not another _person_ involved... this is still basically _cheating_ on her!” 

Looking absolutely stunned, Regina’s eyes bugged out of their sockets. It was rare to render the mayor so speechless, but she supposed if anyone could do it, it was Snow White.

 _Wow_ , Emma thought numbly, desperately wishing she couldn’t hear at all, right about now. In fact, she desperately wished she could just erase the entirety of the past hour from her mind forever, if possible. There had to be a spell for that right? They were always getting cursed with fake memories or losing memories of an entire fucking year or something. Losing a single hour should be a snap, really.

“Snow,” Regina finally said, once she got her brain to reboot and her vocal cords to work again. It took entirely too long for the normally quick-witted woman, which said a lot about what kind of _ridiculous_ scenario they’d somehow fallen into.

“Yes, Regina?” Her mother asked so sweetly, so innocently, it was almost like the last few minutes hadn’t happened at all. 

“Shut up.” She said flatly. 

“ _Regina!_ ” Snow looked so affronted it was comical. But it was kind of hard to laugh through the existential horror Emma was still experiencing. 

“ _No!_ ” Regina raised her hand, looking very much like she was fighting a headache. Though Emma would like to enjoy the petty revenge in that, she was feeling a bit too similarly to really enjoy it. “Just… stop. Do not say another word about what you saw or what you think is happening here, because, as always, you are _wrong_.”

Faced with this opposition, Snow pouted, looking so much like the spoiled brat she no doubt had been as a princess with Regina for a step-mother that Emma almost couldn't blame her for wanting revenge. 

“Are you honestly not going to explain why there is an octopus here?” The pout was strong with this one. 

“Why is there ever anything, Snow?” Regina rolled her eyes, looking scornful. “Obviously, it is the result of magic.”

 _Well, that’s certainly technically correct,_ Emma supposed. Good thing they never tried a polygraph on the Evil Queen, because she would almost certainly ace it. 

Not even Snow was satisfied by this extremely simplified explanation though. Brows furrowed in confusion, she asked, “But… why?”

“Why does anyone ever do anything in this _ridiculous_ town?” Regina sneered, the same emphasis on ridiculous as in Emma’s mind. Their shared exasperation for their ridiculous lives was probably one part of how they’d gotten together. “ _Revenge_ , my dear, sweet Snow.”

 _Again, that was all certainly technically correct._ Emma was a little impressed with how Regina managed to confess her crimes without confessing to anything at all. 

Shockingly, her mother actually seemed to accept this explanation like it actually explained anything. “I see. That makes sense. Is it Ursula, then? Considering the, erm, theme?” 

“I think it is Ursula, considering the theme,” Regina said, probably thinking about the one time when she was pretending to be Ursula, so that, basically, she was yet again technically correct with her words. “Anyway, I’m sure I can work the issue out later.”

Snow nodded, likely thinking of how Regina was, after all, on actually decent terms with the real Ursula unlike most of their usual enemies. She was still a bit miffed about Cruella’s murder and all, but hey, what was a little murder between friends? Especially since Cruella had been enjoying her stay in the Underworld anyway. 

“Now that you’re here anyway. How about you help me get the poor thing back into the ocean?” Regina suggested, lips curling into a smirk as she clearly regained her bearings again.

 _Wait, what?_ Emma froze. _The ocean??_

Snow’s eyes lit up in an ominously familiar way as she clapped her hands excitedly. “Oh! It’ll be a fun family beach day!”


	2. Chapter 2

It was a beautiful day out. 

Overhead, the sun was shining brightly, surrounded by wispy white clouds that thankfully managed to shield the worst of the heat. Meanwhile the ocean waves lapped up against the sand in a calm soothing rhythm that seemed designed to lull one to sleep. 

Or, they would be, if the sound were not accompanied by the rather _ridiculous_ sight of one Emma Swan as an octopus desperately running back into the sand and _away_ from the ocean, every single time she was thrown in—which was about a dozen times too many at this point. 

“What kind of octopus is scared of the water?” Henry asked, frowning curiously at the octopus currently clinging to his mother like its life depended on it. 

_The kind who isn’t really an octopus kid, come on!_ Emma tried to tell her son.

Like all the other times she tried it, she failed miserably. _Ugh, you’d think a kid who figured out he was living in a town full of fairy tale characters would be sharper than this,_ Emma groused. Then again, in hindsight, Regina had done a pretty terrible job of hiding it. Being the only kid who aged every year was so obviously wrong even a ten-year-old could figure it out. 

That same kid still seemed to have a rather unhealthy love for “operations” as he called it. _Operation Octopus,_ as he quickly dubbed the new mission to get her into the ocean, was dead in the water—pun fully intended—before it even began. 

Henry was disappointed and skeptical, leaving Emma hopeful that perhaps _someone_ would realize _something_ was _wrong_. 

“One who should know better,” Regina replied drily to their son’s question, an all too amused twinkle in her eyes as she looked down at her wife-turned-cephalopod. 

_Seriously, Regina? We’re really going to keep doing this?_ Emma glared incredulous daggers at her wife, who was no doubt well aware of the intent despite her octopus face showing zero change in expression. 

Standing some distance away from them, Snow frowned into her phone, “Emma still isn’t answering my calls.” 

_Please tell me you’ve noticed I’m missing._ She begged, to little avail, seeing as her mother hardly listened to her even at the best of times, when she was still fully human and able to actually speak.

Beside her, David gave a perplexed shrug, as he recalled. “This morning, she said she was following up a lead for something. She never returned to the station.”

Considering how often she’d used it as an excuse, Emma would’ve thought her father had realized by now that there was rarely ever an actual lead, and she was really just playing hooky. In Emma’s defense, half the time, her boss—aka the mayor, who also happened to be her wife—approved of it. Was it morally wrong of them to indulge in a little _afternoon delight_ on the town’s dime? _Possibly_. 

But considering they were also the first and last defense the town had against the many magical disasters and ridiculous villains appearing on a near constant basis, Emma thought they deserved it. 

Speaking of what they deserved, Emma was definitely not going to be indulging in any delights with her wife after this. Not for _at least_ another _month_. Or, well, at least a week, more likely. The blonde held no illusions about her ability to withstand her wife’s seduction skills. 

Emma was so busy recalling those seduction skills in action, that she almost forgot where she was and _what_ she was at the moment. Thankfully—or rather, not at all—she was quickly reminded, as her traitorous son spoke up. 

“Maybe we should try blindfolding it.” Henry suggested. “It won’t be so scary if it doesn’t see where it’s going?”

 _That’s a terrible idea,_ Emma said. 

“That’s a wonderful idea,” Regina said.

Henry beamed, puffing out his chest proudly. “Thanks. If that doesn’t work, maybe we could like, bring it deeper in the water on a boat and drop it down there? It won’t be able to escape back to shore that way.” 

Suddenly, Emma was starting to understand why so many villains wanted to kidnap and/or kill the little dork. Clearly, they were just preventing their own downfall at the hands of a nerd with an overactive imagination. No wonder he was made the Author. 

A cold shiver of dread ran down her spine as she watched mother and son gleefully plot her downfall. 

_Was this how it felt when she and the kid were scheming against the Evil Queen?_

So, after everything that happened, this was how she died, huh. Betrayed by her wife and son, to be chucked out to sea and lost in the tides forever. 

While Emma was busy writing out a Last Will and Testament in her own head, where she very pointedly left nothing to her would-be murderers aka her beloved wife and child, Regina had conjured a blindfold in her hand. It was her wife’s signature purple and clashed horrible with her current slimy skin. No doubt she had purposely chosen it for that exact reason. 

Despite her mental arrangements in the event of her death, Emma was determined not to go down without a fight. As the blindfold drew closer, she quickly jumped away from Regina’s reach, landing onto Henry with a thud, and causing him to fall to the sand as he flailed around in panic.

 _Was she a terrible mother for feeling like he kind of deserved this?_ Probably. 

But in Emma’s defense, he kind of started it, after all. Though she had to admit, as Henry’s screams started rising to a pitch that she hadn’t heard since before puberty permanently turned his voice into a low growl, maybe this had not been her greatest idea. _Maybe_ . Well, it was for his own good. _Sort of._

Honestly, the more she thought about it, the more she thought that they _really_ needed to get the kid into some kind of defense class. Or just some kind of sport. Because it was kind of pathetic how badly their son was taking this octopus “attack”, especially considering Emma was actively trying _not_ to hurt him. Considering all the kidnappings in the past, it really only made sense. Why had they never done it, anyway? 

“Henry, honey, please calm down,” Regina called out, hands out and purple with magic. There was a worried frown on her face, as she seemed to think, for the first time since this _ridiculous_ farce started, that perhaps her little revenge plot had gone a bit too far. Giving a frustrated sigh, she told him, “I can’t aim my magic if you keep moving around like that.”

Oh yeah, because Regina was an overprotective helicopter parent who would most certainly blow a gasket if Henry ended up getting hurt while doing any kind of sport. There was probably also the fact that the kid made a great case for nurture over nature, considering the two Mills were probably the biggest nerds in Storybrooke outside of Belle. 

Unfortunately for them all, Henry wasn’t exactly capable of his usual level of thought right now. He was too far gone in panic to listen to reason at the moment. Having an octopus attached to your face would do that to a person, understandably. 

At some point, he’d managed to get back onto his feet, which was quickly proving to be a horrible development, because then, he started running around in desperation, as though _somehow_ , running around randomly would dislodge the octopus attached to his person. Definitely not doing much thinking right now.

 _Hmm, maybe there was a case for nature over nurture, after all._ As Regina would describe it, their son always seemed to take after Emma’s worst traits. See: his ridiculous appetite, his love for terrible puns and clearly, his inability to think through his panic. 

Seemingly guided by instinct into choosing the worst possible route to take, Henry blindly ran straight into the ocean. 

It was at this point that Emma proved she was definitely Henry’s mother, as _she_ began to flail in a panic too once they both ended up in the too cold water. This had the effect of removing herself from the kid’s face, which eventually calmed him down, at least, once he realized he was octopus free. 

“Henry, are you alright?” Regina asked, motherly instincts in full force as she quickly rubbed calming circles on his back and hovered protectively over him. 

“I-I’m… f-fine,” he managed to gasp out, once he regained his bearings. Now that he wasn’t panicking anymore, he was more embarrassed than anything. The octopus hadn’t really hurt him or left any lasting damage except to his pride. 

He (quite rightly) suspected he was not going to be forgetting this embarrassing incident anytime soon. At least his blonde mother wasn’t there to witness and tease him for it, he thought, completely unaware of just how _wrong_ he was. 

Because, speaking of Emma the Octopus, she was much less fine. At the moment, she was sort of busy somehow, someway, _drowning_ in the water, despite literally being an octopus. 

She was flailing her tentacles around desperately, as she sank deeper and deeper into the water, her lightweight body caught and thrown by the tides like she was little more than a plastic bag. The disorienting sensation only made her panic more. 

All in all, it was the kind of _ridiculous_ scenario you could only find in Storybrooke, and usually, only involving the blonde Saviour too. That probably said something about Emma, honestly. 

It was at this point that Regina realized what happened. Her eyes widened as she turned towards the water to see her wife-turned-octopus struggling against the tides, as she was slowly tugged farther and farther from shore. _Oh no—Emma!_

In theory, Emma should’ve been perfectly fine in the water. She could swim even in human form, and now, she was literally turned into an aquatic animal. 

In practice, however, being in an unfamiliar body while panicking was a recipe for disaster. 

Without a moment’s hesitation, Regina jumped into the water, completely ignoring the rest of her family’s confused cries.

-

As Emma floated in the great wide ocean, a distant part of her randomly wondered if this was what they meant by having a blonde moment. Because her brain was feeling so very light and floaty, she didn’t feel capable of thinking anything at all. This was probably less of a blonde moment, and more of an octopus moment though, she mentally corrected herself.

See, Emma had now reached a level of panic that pushed her straight into zen territory instead. 

Lost in the clouds of nirvana, she barely even realized that she was no longer aimlessly floating on the fickle whims of the ocean tides, but being carried in the arms of her wife. 

“Emma, it’s alright,” Regina tried to reassure her, in between taking gasping breaths, as she swam back in the direction she came from. “I’ve got you.”

Swimming back to shore with an octopus clinging to her was somehow _not_ one of the strangest things Regina had ever done in her life. Which said a lot about the kind of life she’d led, since it was definitely in Emma’s top ten list.

Eventually, they made it back to sweet, beautiful land again. Or sand, as the case was. Once she was on shore, the rest of their family swarmed them both, all clearly filled with questions. 

_“What’s happening?? I don’t understand.”_

_“Regina, wasn’t the whole point to get the octopus back into the ocean?”_

_“Um, mom, are you feeling alright?”_

Regina ignored them all though, and she softly stroked at the shivering octopus still clinging to her body. “We’re back, dear. You’re alright now.”

Was she really though? Emma was still a slimy wet octopus, and she really, _really_ wanted to stop being one. 

Seemingly understanding the unspoken words, Regina gave a wry smile, before gently cradling Emma’s octopus head in her hands. There was a moment’s pause, probably Regina thinking about what a _ridiculous_ picture they made, before she pressed a firm kiss onto the slimy skin. 

There was a familiar flash of rainbow light the instant they made contact. Afterwards, the octopus was gone, leaving a fully human Emma Swan back in its place, as well as three very confused other humans gathering around her. 

_“The octopus was Emma the whole time?!”_

_“Regina! What did you do?”_

_“Ugh, was that why it kept clinging to you?”_

The Three Stooges that composed the rest of the extended Swan-Mills-Charming family chorused loudly. Was that thought a little mean? Well, Emma wasn’t feeling very kind to the three idiots who couldn’t tell something was wrong with her. They were lucky she wasn’t saying the thought out loud. 

Anyway, it wasn’t like they were the ones she had the biggest bone to pick with right now. Sure, her wife had fearlessly jumped into the ocean to save her without a second thought, but also, she was the entire damn reason for the mess in the first place. So, Emma wasn’t exactly swooning about the admittedly romantic rescue. 

“I hate you.” Emma told her wife seriously. 

“I’m pretty sure our True Love’s Kiss literally proved that to be false.” Regina pointed out, lips twitching into an amused smile. 

“Well, fine. I don’t hate you,” Emma conceded, knowing it was pointless to lie when the evidence was so obviously contrary. Still, she was not at all ready to forgive her wife for the whole ordeal. Giving an angry pout, she crossed her arms and said, “But I’m definitely still mad at you. “

Watching her, Regina resisted the urge to tell her she looked adorable when she was angry, knowing it would not be taken well. So, doing her best to look apologetic, she admitted. “I’m sorry, dear. I realize now I went a bit too far in my revenge for your prank. 

“Yeah, well, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised.” Emma huffed, feeling a bit better with the acknowledgement. “Overdramatic revenge schemes are kind of your thing, after all.”

“So… you forgive me?” Regina asked, a hopeful look on her face. 

“Not a chance.” Emma replied bluntly. Still pouting, she told her firmly. “You’re definitely going to have to make this up to me.”

Well, Regina had some good ideas that they would both enjoy very much on how to do that. They wouldn’t be put into action until they were away from the rest of their family’s prying eyes though. “Of course, dear.”

“Starting with no triplicate paperwork!” Emma declared enthusiastically. 

Regina only gave a long-suffering sigh, but couldn’t quite hide the fond and amused twinkle in her eyes. 

-

It was Snow who had the last word though, as realization struck her like a sleeping curse, “ _Wait… so, if the octopus was Emma the whole time… then what I saw at the house—-IT’S PORN, AFTER ALL!!!”_

**Author's Note:**

> So... some backstory for this fic, after seeing the artwork for it, at first, I was thinking either a fluffy family beach day (or possibly a more smutty honeymoon type thing *cough*). 
> 
> But an IRL friend I was chatting with suggested a more fantastical direction aka mermaids. Then, he’d joked about having one turn into an octopus instead, in an Ursula inspired curse, and thus, this fic was born~! 
> 
> Hopefully, it made you laugh :P 
> 
> ~~I could probably be convinced to write a sequel where they do actually have some of that tentacle sex, if there's some interest~~
> 
> Also, you can follow me on twitter/IG/tumblr @kahlen369 for updates, requests, etc.


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